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- The Descent of DLC
- Sony’s Suicidal PS4 Strategy
- Types of Gamers You’ll Encounter Online
- Seven IMDB Entries Nothing Like the Actual Movie
- How Disney Will Screw Up the New Star Wars Movies
- Ten Reasons Why a T-Rex Would Make A Bad Pet
- The Weirdest Theories About Ancient Technology
- Modern Discoveries with Surprisingly Ancient Roots
- The Most Wildly Unsuitable 80s Cartoon Heroes
- Four Video Game Entries That Just Don’t Fit
- The Four Worst Video Game Collector’s Editions
- Six Ancient Gods You Could Take In A Fight
- The Most Gratuitous Porn in Video Games
- Ten Ridiculous Japanese Monsters
- The Three Craziest Conspiracy Theories
- The Worst Kickstarter Campaigns Ever
- Nine Reasons You Won’t Survive The Zombie Outbreak
- Five Ways To Find a Geeky Girlfriend
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Seven IMDB Entries Nothing Like the Actual Movie
Things that anyone can do are both a blessing and a terrible curse for the human race. On one hand, it gives people the chance to be equal, which, unless you’re a pig named Napoleon, is a great idea. On the other hand, it gives an unlimited amount of ways for something to be ruined. In this case, it’s the International Movie Database (IMDb), a massive collection of entertainment facts and news that anyone can edit. And, as history has proven, movies are, for better or for usually worse, things that people can interpret whichever way their crazy minds choose.
These plot summaries that sound nothing like the actual movie definitely put the “any” in anyone.
“Forrest, Forrest Gump is a simple man with a low IQ but good intentions. He is running through childhood with his best and only friend Jenny. His ‘mama’ teaches him the ways of life and leaves him to choose his destiny. Forrest joins the army for service in Vietnam, finding new friends called Dan and Bubba, he wins medals, creates a famous shrimp fishing fleet, inspires people to jog, starts a ping-pong craze, create the smiley, write bumper stickers and songs, donating to people and meeting the president several times. However this is all irrelevant to Forrest who can only think of his childhood sweetheart Jenny. Who has messed up her life. Although in the end all he wants to prove is that anyone can love anyone.”
Some stories are so…storied that they require more than one entry to explain. An example of this is Forrest Gump, which took three, though the first of these was the most notable. They open the description with “Forrest, Forrest Gump,” leading anyone who hadn’t seen the film to think that the user was either a bad editor or Forrest Gump had a James Bond way of introducing himself. They put the character of ‘mama’ between apostrophes, as if you’re supposed to be unsure of whether she’s actually Forrest’s mother or not, and any moment she would actually pull off her face skin and reveal herself to be the old miner, and she would’ve gotten all that ping pong money too, if not for those meddling kids.
Along with making “Dan” and “Bubba” seem like Forrest’s sidekicks and listing Forrest’s accomplishments like they’re making a grocery list, they refer to the scenes where Forrest ran across the country as “inspires people to jog,” which is the most literal definition of anything ever. If this user was asked to write about the symbolism in “Huckleberry Finn,” they’d tell you simply that rafts were usually made of wood.
“For Marion Crane, it’s been quite an eventful day. The day before, she had stolen $40,000 from her employer’s client, packed her bags and driven all day on her way to join her paramour several hundred miles away. Now, she is taking a relaxing hot shower after her long day’s journey. The remoteness of the motel suit her purposes perfectly. The only sounds heard are the chirping of the crickets, the splashing of the water, and her humming contentedly as the hot needles of water caress her aching shoulders. Written by filmfactsman”
Psycho takes a whopping four summaries to explain fully, because people saw that there was a previous summary and decided that they could make it seem like even more of a baffling piece of work. filmfactsman takes special care not to fall into the trap of making his words accessible and chooses the hip route – he describes the shower scene in aching detail. There is not one mention of Norman Bates, and it effectively turns Psycho into what Alfred Hitchcock initially intended for the film to sound like – the first ten seconds of a woman’s body wash commercial.
“A commercial deep space towing ship, investigating a suspected SOS, lands on a distant planet. The crew discovers some strange creatures and investigates.”
This plot summary is an expert exercise in minimalistic story telling. I’m uncertain what it stands for, but “and investigates” has to be an acronym for something like “The robot is a liar, that guy’s chest is about to be exploded and this whole voyage will go to shit.”
“The peaceful community of Amity island is being terrorised. There is something in the sea that is attacking swimmers. They can no longer enjoy the sea and the sun as they used to, and the spreading fear is affecting the numbers of tourists that are normally attracted to this island. After many attempts the great white shark won’t go away and sheriff Brody, with friends Hooper and Quint decide to go after the shark and kill it.” Written by Sami Al-Taher
According to user Sami Al-Taher, the shark that is attacking Amity Island prevents the people on the beach from being able to enjoy “the sea and the sun as they used to,” which is putting the threat very lightly.
Fisherman: Man, it’s such a nice day at the beach.
Deputy Hendricks: I know! It would be incredible if we didn’t have to dredge out any more severed limbs and hear more screaming. But you’re right. Almost perfect day!
“Mumbai’s Police Sergeant Srinivas and his Superior detain and interrogate a suspect by the name of Jamal Malik, who they suspect of cheating a popular Indian TV game show “Kaun Banega Crorepati?” (2000). They have evidence that Jamal has had no formal education and has been a career-thief as a youngster, and are determined to question him using any method to find out how he even came close to winning anything. Written by rAjOo”
This plot summary proves that if you watch the first ten minutes of Slumdog Millionaire, you have every right to assume that it will probably end up kind of like Hostel did. rAjOo never made it past the opening scene, and thus partly ends his summary with “determined to question him using any method.” You’ve already included “interrogate” in this entry, rAjOo. There’s no way that Jamal isn’t going to have a screwdriver in his chest by the end of this film.
“Aladdin, a street urchin, accidentally meets Princess Jasmine, who is in the city undercover. They love each other, but she can only marry a prince.”
The person who wrote the description for Aladdin probably knew that film had a lot to do with things like the genie and a Jafar, but those weren’t a big concern when you have a mission to make the film seem like a dull romance. Oh, Aladdin must be a prince? That’s almost a maliciously boring way to end a plot summary, considering that the DVD cover beside it features a hulking, ecstatic blue spirit and a turban-wearing sorcerer gesturing violently. I know that certain details are better left as a surprise, but if I’d never seen Aladdin before, I wouldn’t want to watch it based on this description. The Aladdin just to the left, though? I’d watch the hell out of that.
And I don’t know of a weirder way to explain Princess Jasmine going into the city, disguised as a poor person, than to say she is “in the city undercover.” Does she work on the Agrabah Police Force too? I take back what I said about the plot sounding boring. Secret Agent Jasmine would make a fantastic movie.
“Beginning innocently enough with a murder, James Bond finds himself investigating Auric Goldfinger, a gold dealer who the Bank of England suspects is stockpiling huge amounts of gold bullion. However, he soon uncovers a far more sinister plot called Operation Grand Slam and has a fair bit of bowler-hat-dodging to do from Goldfinger’s manservant, Oddjob.”
Because my brain has been so polluted by a society that likes something because of that something’s objective un-likability, I can’t tell whether this writer was being sarcastic or not. Sure, James Bond makes it certain that the every morgue in Britain will be well-staffed, 24/7, but can you begin with something like a murder and use the words “innocently enough”? The two main killings at the start of Goldfinger are a man getting electrocuted in a bathtub (after which, Bond says “Shocking. Positively shocking”) and a woman who suffocates to death because she’s completely painted gold.
I’m no coroner, but there a thousand different words that could describe those murders that aren’t even in the realm of “innocent.” If I was forced to examine either of those bodies, my automatic first hunch would be that somebody used to absolutely hate the charred/shiny mess on the examining table.
The second intriguing thing about this summary is the mentioning of “bowler-hat-dodging.” I know that James Bond villains tend to lean towards the ridiculous, but I’ve never read anything that seemed less imposing. He throws hats? That’s nice. What about sweaters? Can James Bond handle those?