Sex and video games are like water and electricity: the first vital for life, the second makes it more fun, but attempts to combine them often lead to disaster. If a sarcastic robot caught you with your dick in a tub of locally-sourced butter, it wouldn’t mock your disgusting organic urges as much as these video games.

BMX XXX

It’s hard to make a stunt-sports game, because the stunts have to be exciting despite removing all the danger and athletic ability. Good games like SSX 3 craft a balance of speed and spectacular scoring mechanics. The other kind of game, BMX XXX, shouts “Boobies!” and hopes you’re stupid enough to fall for it. But since you can read this, you’re not.

This was made by a team who couldn’t even think of “BM XXX”. It’s like paying for a temporary lobotomy. The gimmick is that high scores unlock softcore videos of real strippers, which is pointless, because people who care about high scores already know about the internet. The only people who could possibly be interested in these clips are despairologists, researching recordings of a stripper realizing that this is the worst gig she will ever have, and despairologists don’t exist.

The game’s only point was showing nudity on consoles. Interesting note: in many places you can’t show nudity on consoles. You’d think a video game developer would know that, but “thinking” is another thing the developer didn’t know how to do. Several major retailers, the Playstation 2 and the entire continent of Australia refused to allow the game until all nudity was removed. BMX XXX without the sex was more pathetic looking than a tortoise without its shell, and about as fast -moving. The game developers could have displayed nudity in the middle of the road between a preschool and a police station and not done this badly.

Riana Rouge

In the late nineties CDs gave games hundreds of megabytes of storage space, and they used it for Full Motion Video. This was like using Fort Knox to store used diapers. Most of the movies looked like a cameraphone recording from the bottom of a swimming pool filled with vaseline. Including how that means the cameraman would have died, and all the actresses are porn stars. Note: all the actresses in Riana Rouge are porn stars.

Black Dragon Productions decided to fill their video with Playmates, and FMV was so bad this was one still of the best ideas the genre ever had. Unfortunately, it was also the only idea Black Dragon Productions had. The acting made the average porno acting look exactly the same thing. It was a Playboy video with no nudity and random brutal death. There’s more X-rated action in the average modern shampoo commercial. Add the standard problems of FMV games (clunky controls, fewer options than an elevator control panel) and the result was not-even softcore it was possible to fail. It was like trying to watch a late-night movie with a remote control which wanted to kill you.

Lula: The Sexy Empire

Lula: The Sexy Empire was an attempt to create the most depressing game in existence by combining Farmville with cartoon porn. Darkseid’s Anti-Life equation doesn’t attack the soul that hard. The titular character tries to make herself the star of a a national porn empire while on the run from the FBI, and if you can spot a problem in this plan you care more than the people who programmed it.

Business management games can be incredibly compelling, forcing you to balance multiple pressures and interacting systems. They live or die based on the intelligence of the game mechanics, and here those mechanics are “sketches of cartoon asses.”

The entire game is based on lazily moving between pages with pictures of cartoon tits, clicking on icons once they’ve built up enough to give you a reward, but then they need a refractory period before being used again. So even the gameplay is a parody of masturbation, and how the player has nothing better to do.

Lula Pinball

Lula is actually a shared property, a plastic character passed around from developer to developer to be filled with whatever they feel like doing. It’s the gaming equivalent of an inflatable sex doll, but less fun, more depressing, and based on the quality of the results none of them washed her when they were finished. Lula Pinball claims to be the most erotic pinball game ever made. That’s like claiming the most times bashing your own head off a wall trophy: there wasn’t a competition, and the fact you’d even try means someone should have stopped you.

The game takes the piss out of everyone playing it by forcing them to choose the number of players. As if the moaning sex-pinball would ever be played by more than one. Simulated pinball has always been a bit blasphemous, with unlikely ball mechanics (another problem for players of this game) but the way the ball moves here is outright sorcery – it has nothing to do with the laws of physics or any kind of loving god. This game knows less about physics than it does about biology, and Lula makes anatomy textbooks catch fire when she walks past.

The ball slides around with the painted shape of a pinball, but has no real feel and is deeply unsatisfying. Which means even the game’s physics are taking the piss out of its pornography. The camera whips up and down too fast to actually follow the game, never mind the cartoonish scrawls of the world’s most sexually disturbed eight year old, so you’ve got a game which is either a modern art masterpiece expressing how pornography can be an ultimately unsatisfying series of rapid images and urges, or the worst game ever made.

World of Warcraft Nudity

The other developers on this list merely worked pixelated porn. But Azerothica are engaged in a constant digital battle for the most terrifying monsters in all of video game.

Azerothica provides nude mods for World of Warcraft. For those who don’t think the game mocks the very idea of social interaction quite enough yet. These updates allow naked sprites, bondage gear, or female characters carrying what looks like a very large barbarian club made out of pork and AAUUUGHH.

Their problem – or at least their software problem – is that WoW is constantly updated and patched by the developers, and these fixes often remove the customized nude content. Which is just another reason to call them “fixes”. But the Azerothicans won’t take this lying down – the only thing they want like that are naked hermaphroditic pandas – and constantly patch their own files. The result is the most terrifying arms race on the internet. Well, mostly a wrist race.

Every country has its own mythology. Sometimes, that mythology is based around a specific theme or the inability to explain certain things in nature. Sometimes it relates directly to a country’s religion or other spiritual beliefs. Mystical creatures often played a huge role in these mythologies too, especially in Japan, where their mythology had a lot to do with all the things I listed above, including insanity. These are ten Japanese monsters that are so ridiculous that they often seem sarcastic.

Abumi-guchi

An abumi-guchi is a stirrup that belonged to a dead soldier. It lies and waits for the fallen owner to return. Thus, it’s not even a real monster. It’s simply the result of no one cleaning up the battlefield after the fight is over. If you’re not the ghost owner coming back to find all the shit he dropped, it’s just breathing garbage. You can replicate this monster this by going into a dead person’s barn, gluing googly eyes on all the equipment and then worshipping that equipment for centuries.

Abura-akago

The abura-akago is something reborn only when an infant licks some oil, as the abura-akago is the spirit of a person who stole oil, but was special enough to not die properly. It’s a spirit that will stay dead unless you’re negligent in raising your child. I hate to sound like I disrespect a legend, but it seems rather impractical to base your existence on whether or not a baby is going to do something idiotic.

Akaname

The akaname comes into your bathroom at night and licks up the grime, meaning that you get a Japanese demon in every can of Lysol. It’s said to personify the fear of going into a dark bathroom, but I’d be hesitant to fear anything that’s main purpose was to clean up little, drunken, pee drops around the toilet.

Chochinobake

This, along with creatures like the aoandon, all resemble traditional paper lanterns, which means that any Japanese person’s trip to a Bed, Bath and Beyond is a humbling and potentially terrifying experience.

Tsukumogami

There are a specific group of Japanese monsters called the tsukumogami, which are various objects that gain life, but only when they turn one-hundred-years-old. The biggest problem with this system of empowerment is that most things, at one-hundred, have been battered into uselessness by time. So, whatever sake glass (kameosa) or mosquito net (shironeri)  that your family, out of some misplaced priority, has passed down from generation to generation, is going to be ruined with age. It will be just like an actual person at one-hundred – dirty, frail and probably gibbering about minorities.

My favorite tsukumogami is the jotai. The jotai is a possessed cloth hanging from a folding screen. I believe that this was made during a hypothetical era in Japanese history where uncreative people would invent monsters by screaming and then pointing at a random object whenever someone turned to see what the town wuss was raving about.

Uwan

Sometimes, ancient Japanese monsters didn’t really have a defined purpose. Mostly they’d be around to drown children or suck the blood from passers-by. However, in the case of something like the uwan, they existed just to be assholes to people, even if their chances of encountering people were very, very slim. The uwan is a disembodied voice that haunts abandoned houses and temples, which, considering how many people visit rotting, old places, means that it usually haunts no one in particular. It’s named “uwan” because that’s what its cry sounds like and the best formation of words to describe it are “inefficient at an almost impossible level,” because it is.

Uma-no-ashi

People who are sort of unlucky walk next to something called a jubokku, a tree that extends its limbs to grab people that walk near it and drains the life out of them. People who are truly unlucky fall prey to the uma-no-ashi which was a tree that had a kicking horse’s leg dangling from it. Not a whole horse or multiple legs, just the one, swinging haphazardly and hopefully landing a blow or two, because if you’re too dumb to notice that one tree with the hoof striking the air, you deserve the kick.

Kawa-uso

The kawa-uso is a supernatural river otter, and this by far is the most ridiculous monster on the list. Have you ever seen an otter, Japan? They’re adorable!

Nurarihyon

The nurarihyon is a monster that looks like an old man. He will come into your house, drink your tea and act like he owns the place. He is hard to get rid of because he looks so human, and can be easily confused with the owner of the house, which is some kind of ancient Japanese racism against its own people. I have no frame of reference for this type of creature. The closest thing that I can relate to it is the scene in Rush Hour 2 when Chris Tucker accidentally punched Jackie Chan in the face, but totally made it okay when he explained it off as “ALL Y’ALL LOOK ALIKE!”

Shirime

The shirime is a creature with an eye in the place of its anus. I understand that this one may seem like a deleted scene from a Human Centipede film, or what happens when you try to create a monster by asking a thirteen-year-old boy to write words and drop them into a hat, but it’s actually from an ancient poem. A samurai was walking by himself and encountered a stranger. He prepared to fight the stranger, until the stranger dropped his kimono and revealed the eyeball in his ass. The samurai fled, and the story ends.

I hate to call bullshit on a story written hundreds of years ago, but samurai or not, the human response to seeing a shirime is to chop it into dozens of pieces first, burn it until there’s no chance of its soul inhabiting a lamp, and deflect all questions with “It looked like it was ready to attack me.”