Doctor Who t-shirts are all the rage. We even sell a few Doctor Who inspired tees right here at 604Republic. But the internet is crawling with hundreds of creative, and beautifully designed Doctor Who t-shirts. Here’s the top fifty we’ve managed to uncover:
Downloadable Content is the Anakin Skywalker of video gaming. A small addition which was meant to make things even better, but instead destroyed the good we already had.
Light sabers and X-Wings are okay, but what Star Wars really needs is an annoying kid!
It should have been great. If you like a game, pay for more game! That is exactly what the entire video game industry is for. For the gamers. Unfortunately the industry only heard the word “pay” and the rest was just the noise of a cash register opening and closing. Potential awesomeness hasn’t been so crippled by beancounting since an accountant decided that monster trucks would be cheaper with regular sized tyres. The idea of DLC has been destroyed so thoroughly it’s actively ruining the original games. They couldn’t screw you harder for money without legalizing sex work.
The first few attempts at DLC were disasters, but were forgiven as early mistakes. Which was like saying “it’s just the wind” at the start of a horror movie. In 2006 the true intentions of DLC were heralded by “horse armor”. Bethesda’s Oblivion was a giant open-ended role-playing game. Bethesda’s horse armor was an insult they wanted you to pay for. The content was a virtual paint job for a fake horse, and just to make sure they were calling you stupid, the horse armor didn’t even armor your horse. It just changed its color and cost $2.50.
This was massively, publicly mocked and very quickly undone, and certainly not still available for sale right now. Because that would mean we were all stupid. Bethesda backed off and started offering updates which actually included gameplay, but people should have stayed suspicious. That offer wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t accidentally released by an intern wackily slipping on a banana peel and hitting the keyboard. That was a precisely calculated mercenary raid to find out much shit the players would put up with. And the answer was “more than the New York sewer system”.
Since then we’ve suffered through more ridiculous offers than Jack taking his cow to the market. You can now pay to level up your character (instead of playing the game), to start the game with better weapons (because screw difficulty curves), or even to paint your gun a different color (because setting fire to your own money is too much effort). You can spend real money on fake game money, or magical ingredients, or even for clothes for your Xbox icon. It’s like someone is trying to make “exchanging cash for goods” divide by zero.
Why did DLC go so badly wrong?
The problem is that while games are worlds of wonderful fantasy, game production is a world of brutal reality. Making video games is the exact opposite of playing them. The company spends all its time working and worrying money and doing all the things we play games to forget about. Putting in extra effort for less money simply doesn’t make sense for them, and the result is even worse than horse armor. Because at least horse armor required extra effort from the developers. And companies decided that extra effort was too much effort.
The result is a video game Hannibal Lecter: they chop chunks off their own game and then feed it to itself through its own online store. Instead of creating extra content for the games, companies mercenarily dismember them and holding what’s left hostage for money. If a character did that inside the game, they’d be the bad guy. It’d be your job to hunt them down and quicktime their face off. Outside the game you just give them more money.
The most obvious example is “Day One DLC” , content available to buy on launch day, and a stupider oxymoron than a cow trying to out-think a sausage-making machine face-first. Because it’s also shredded and sold for cash. Day One DLC is by definition ready at the same time as the game, aka it was part of the game. Often it’s already on the disc you just paid for, but you have to pay more to play that bit. Some companies explain that it makes sense to develop the bonus material in parallel with the main game, how it’s an optional purchase, how it offers levels of experience, and various other things that are also calling you a moron and hoping you fall for it.
You could believe that the development team worked extra-hard just before game launch, in the same way you could believe in Santa Claus: you’re gullible and it’s a scam to make people pay for toys. In the weeks before release a development team couldn’t work harder if they were downloaded into titanium robot bodies. The result is games getting smaller and more expensive as larger chunks are carved off and charged separately.
The worst example of this was Street Fighter x Tekken. Capcom proved that they equate “how beloved a franchise is” with “how much we can rip these suckers off”. The last thing to pull itself to pieces so hard for money was LEGO. Capcom have long experience with ripping people off for minor updates. They were making DLC before that was even a thing. Street Fighter II Turbo was a minor character updated released for the price of a full game. So was Super Street Fighter II. So was every Street Fighter which didn’t have a new number or Greek letter in its name. Which may explain why they’re being such pricks about more recent DLC – they’re annoyed that they can’t charge the price of a full game for it like they used to. (Or, in the case of Dead Rising 2: Off The Record, still do.)
Hey, you liked Dead Rising 2? Why not pay for it again! Now starring a slightly different sprite, Frank West, as cosplayed by Jason Statham!
In a game where people have mastered every form of combat known to man, the game itself chose “nagging”. It’s impossible to get through a single menu without being harangued for paid updates. You had to pay for extra characters, for extra costumes, for extra gems to boost your character, everything. You used to be able to choose different colors, but in this game they even stole different colors to make more money. That is the exact plot of a My Little Pony villain. And that still wasn’t their most ludicrously villainous crime.
This one was so stupid they backed off and made colors free, but you still need to go to the store to get each set. Consider it a pilgrimage to how stupid they think you are.
They added Day One DLC which you couldn’t buy on Day One. Eight extra characters were imprisoned on the disc, and you weren’t even allowed to buy them until the PS Vita version of the game got them first. The PS Vita version which didn’t even exist yet, and wouldn’t for several months. They screwed up your money-making scheme so hard that buyers aren’t even allowed to give you money. Delaying characters for the handheld version of an arcade fighter is launched like delaying a spaceship until the pilot’s kid finishing learning to pee standing up.
These weren’t minor bonus characters like Birdie or Gon. These were series staples like Blanka and Bryan Fury. If you don’t play those games, imagine buying a tuxedo and walking out of the store, only to find your crotch flapping in the breeze because groins are an optional extra. Then not being allowed to buy the missing bits.
Look like fun? Then wait half a year and pay twice!
Capcom actually made players hold out their money, begging for permission to buy characters who were already part of the game in the first place. That’s not even training a dog, that’s how you train a sado-masochistic submissive dog that you hate. When you’re refusing to even let people give you money to play your game, you may have forgotten what your job is.
Companies aren’t just getting away with this, they’re shoveling out so much crap that they can offer the ultimate scam, the “Season Pass”. This is where you pay money now and just hope that the company will make content worth it later.
DLC makes so much money many companies don’t bother to charge for the game any more. A horde of “Free 2 Lose” infest the internet, lazy flash disasters which claim to be “Free 2 Play”, but
a) the usual exchange rate is three days of play to earn the same rewards as one dollar
b) those rewards are “this grey box turns red, but you need another week or two dollars to turn it green”
c) people actually play this
d) depression with the state of humanity.
It’s a perfect reversal of the capitalist dream, where you pay more to make things better. Because someone has already combined the above to make things even worse. Dead Space 3 is a big-budget sequel to an established franchise. And no franchise has undergone so much brutal slaughter since Hellraiser. And just like Hellraiser, the original was destroyed by sequels made only for the money. As well as turning an atmospheric survival horror into a co-op buddy cover shooter, DS3 is a big-budget game which wants you to pay for weapons. The word is “microtransactions”, and you should treat that word like garlic at a vampire dentist’s.
Hold on, I’m getting my credit card!
You’ve already paid for the game, and now you have three energy bars as you fight the battles: your health, your ammunition, and your bank balance. Even Pokemon never directly connected your credit card to the outcome of the fights.
This is inevitable. People have already paid for these powerups, and a corporation’s job is to make money, not feel bad about how stupid their customers have gotten. But like any giant evil boss, their new weapon also has a fatal weakness. These DLC donations to the executive bank balance assume an always-on internet connection. And that same connection allows you to pay companies which don’t even have executives.
For less than the price of the Gears of War color schemes, you can buy the most beautiful role playing game of the last decade. For less than a single Street Fighter’s alternate costumes, you can explore an entire galaxy of interstellar combat. We’ll always buy the big games, because they’re rather a lot of fun. But the next time you’ve offered the chance to give a corporation free money, remember that you can buy an entire game instead. A game that remembers that you’ve already paid for it, and that you don’t want to be reminded of real money while you’re playing.
Usually on Versus, opponents fight each other based on similar personalities and characteristics. But sometimes, all you have in common with someone else is a name. Luckily, that’s more than enough reason to fight to the death!
Today, we bring you the battle of Megatron, the evil Transformer, and Megatron, the NFL wide receiver who’s an overall pretty decent guy. But he’s in for the fight for his life, against a homicidal robot with tons of firepower and an unquenchable thirst to destroy all humanity.
Decepti “Megatron” Con
As Seen In: The Transformers
Created By: The Quintessons. Or, if you want to be boring and technical about it, Hasbro.
Named For: It sounding awesome. What cool 80’s kid wouldn’t badger their parents into spending $19.95 on a piece of plastic called MEGATRON?
Notable Strengths: Evil and tyrannical, with no regard for human or robotic life. Shoots lasers from his eyes. Has a cannon for an arm.
Notable Weaknesses: Not much for strategy; prefers to just yell and fight and shoot, hoping for the best. Blindly arrogant. Employs Starscream, who constantly challenges Megatron’s authority at the worst possible times.
Most Badass Moment: Killing Optimus Prime, a rarity in children’s entertainment. Rita never killed the Power Rangers. Shredder never made soup out of the Turtles. But Megatron actually murdered the good guy! For a little while anyways.
Least Badass Moment: Getting his ass kicked by a can of spray paint.
Calvin “Megatron” Johnson
As Seen In: The National Football League
Created By: His Mommy and Daddy
Named For: Having gigantic hands, just like the robot. Yes, that’s a true story. A fellow player nicknamed him Megatron because of his big-ass hands. In that case, why not just call him Andre The Giant? That guy was legit bigger than half the Decepticons anyway.
Notable Strengths: Incredibly strong and fast, with gigantic hands and a 45-inch vertical that would be the envy of damn near every NBA star not named Jordan.
Notable Weaknesses: Plays for the Detroit Lions. That’s like roasting the most delicious Thanksgiving turkey ever, and sticking it on the table next to a bunch of week-old Big Mac Extra Value meals.
Most Badass Moment: Making the cover of Madden ’13, which prompted everybody to scream AGH, MAAAAADDDDENNN CURRRRRSE. He’s having his best year ever, and just shattered the record for most receiving yards in a single season. That should kill any Curse talk until next year, when everyone will start braying about it again like nothing ever happened.
Least Badass Moment: Scoring a touchdown but spiking the ball while still in motion, thus having it ruled an incomplete pass. Silly Megatron: you’re supposed to hold onto the ball, get up, go a stupid dance with it, and THEN spike the damn thing.
This battle would purely be 1-on-1, which neither side would bitch about. The Decepticons are classically horrible at the whole being-evil thing, and the Lions are so bad that even people who hate football know they suck.
Now, on the surface, Megatron The Robot should crush Megatron The Footballer, being a giant robot and all. However, for those envisioning another Bambi vs. Godzilla, bear in mind that immediately squishing puny humans into a tasty pulp just isn’t dramatic enough for a megalomaniacal robot overlord.
No, this battle would involve Robot Megatron shooting endlessly, while Johnson just ducks, dodges, and runs and runs and runs. He’d basically employ the old Muhammad Ali rope-a-dope method. Keep moving, let his opponent run out of ammo, and go in for the kill.
But how? Even sans firepower, Megatron’s still a huge robot. Luckily for Johnson, he’s a pretty stupid one. His arrogance, pride, and hatred is shockingly easy to exploit; all Johnson would need to do is start taunting him about, oh, anything. His past failures, Starscream, how dumb he looks in the Michael Bay movies, and whatever else comes to his head. Megatron would almost certainly lose it and begin throwing random shit in a blind rage.
This would allow Johnson to do what he does best: catch shit. All Metal Megatron has to do is chuck a large rock, or a camera, or a piece of the goal post, and Flesh Megatron will catch it with his apparently robot-sized hands, and throw it right back at his foe. Repeat several times over, and the robot should soon be busted beyond repair.
Of course, there’s one other issue here: Johnson’s too damn nice! He goes to work, plays better football than almost anybody, and then goes home. No bluster, no scandals, no braggadocio, no nothing. Just football. That’s not going to be enough if your goal is to troll an evil robot into chucking weaponry at you.
So Johnson will need to do some pre-fight training. He’ll have to find somebody who’s great at inciting rage through taunts and biting comments. But it’s face-to-face, so YouTube commenters and 4Chan trolls need not apply. Instead, he’ll have to hire a proven real-life troll, like Chad Ochocinco, to fire him up. Ocho would work tirelessly to turn Johnson into a trash-talker extraordinaire, capable of making even the most hardened robot see red.
Unfortunately for robot aficionados everywhere, Calvin Johnson has this one in the bag. Megatron is just too pigheaded to win much of anything. Even when he managed to kill Optimus Prime, he damn near died himself in the process.
Also, spray paint. Yes, we’ve mentioned that already, but it’s ridiculous enough to mention again. Nobody’s winning a battle to the death if they’ve already proven they can’t stand up to The Krylon Touch. And until Johnson tears his ACL thanks to a horrible wiffleball attack, then the only thing the Decepticon will win at, is finding the stupidest possible way to lose.
Two perfect things can’t exist on the same planet without them clashing or having sex. It’s why the phrase “an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was invented, and also why Jay-Z and Beyonce were destined to breed for thousands of years. However, since this is a Versus, the two perfect things of choice will go with the battling route. Those hoping for the more loving option will simply have to wait for a link to my fan fiction. So, without any sort of introduction, we take you to the Tokyo HyperDome, for WRESTLEMANIA DCCVII. Your main event is a war for the ages, one whispered into the wind for generations.
HULK HOGAN VS MECHAGODZILLA!
As Seen In: Saturday Night’s Main Event, Suburban Commando, No Holds Barred.
Catchphrase: “What’cha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?”*
Origin Story: Has always existed. Came into the public eye when he broke Iron Sheik’s Camel Clutch and became WWF Champion, thus inventing the word “celebrity” as we know it today.
Best Known For: Blond hair, 24 inch pythons, slamming 1,700 pound Andre the Giant in front of thirty billion screaming Hulkamaniacs.
Notable Strengths: Can harness the power of Hulkamania. At a certain point, punches will only make him stronger. Leg drops. Can slam any opponent, no matter their size, if he gets to the proper energy level.
Notable Weaknesses: For a short time, betraying America (or Hogan himself) will make Hogan confused enough for enemies to land hits on him.
Best Moment: Former patriot, Sgt. Slaughter, allies himself with Saddam Hussein, and wins the WWF Championship. Hogan thinks this is complete bullshit and beats Slaughter at Wrestlemania VII for the title. Peace is established in the Middle East forever. Oh wait…
As Seen In: Every Godzilla movie with the word “Mechagodzilla” in the title.
Origin Story: Sometimes created by the government, but most famously created by the asshole Black Hole Planet 3 aliens who, in order to conquer the world, decided to go with the irony of building something that looked like earth’s mightiest defender, rather than the obvious space bomb.
Best Known For: Beating the hell out of Godzilla five times, sometimes dresses up like Godzilla to mess with everyone.
Notable Strengths: Finger missles, laser breath and eyes, knee rockets, chest laser, force field, flight.
Notable Weaknesses: Prone to having his head ripped off. Later versions of him ran out of energy after a while, so he’s a badass within a certain timeframe.
Best Moment: An atomic Eiffel Tower almost occurs when Mechagodzilla is approached on one side by a peeved Godzilla and on the other by a consistently under-whelming dog/idiot King Caesar. Mechagodzilla spun his head around to use his eye lasers, while shooting finger missiles forward, effectively knocking down both attackers.
Entrance Themes: Hulk Hogan would enter the fray to the familiar strains of “Real American,” while Mechagodzilla enters to the sound of his own rocket feet.
Preparation: Mechagodzilla does karate poses. Hogan is unimpressed and rips off his shirt, throwing it across Mount Fuji and into a lucky child’s hands (and heart.) Hogan flexes and motions for the crowd to cheer harder. The crowd, dead and dying from Mechagodzilla’s recent attack, have bigger concerns and remain unresponsive.
Opening Moves: It starts off with a grappling game. Hogan has the flexibility of a baseball bat’s corpse, but that’s still slightly better than Mechagodzilla’s. After pushing him back and delivering a few clotheslines, Hogan throws Mechagodzilla outside the ring. He then motions for the crowd’s support.
Somewhere, an inconsolable mother screams for her child to awaken.
Long-Range Advantage: Mechagodzilla re-enters the ring as tentatively as the Planet 3 aliens will allow him to, and then launches an eye laser at a charging Hogan. Hogan falls, but gets back up quickly, only to receive finger missiles to the chest. Hogan is down. Mechagodzilla begins his barrage and pushes Hogan back into a corner. Mechagodzilla initiates the very technical plan of making sure that Hogan doesn’t punch him by blasting him with every weapon in his arsenal, point-blank.
Busted Open: Hogan takes a laser to the forehead and starts to bleed. He does this gratuitously, and more than any normal human ever should. Mechagodzilla takes this chance to lock on a sleeper hold and Hogan seems unable to fight out of it. He comes close to passing out.
Special guest, Cyndi Lauper, is at ringside. She seems completely nonplussed about everything going on.
The referee, Mothra, holds up Hogan’s wrist. It falls.
Hogan’s wrist drops again. Outer space beings prepare their earthling-rape kits.
Hogan’s wrist drops out of Mothra’s grip and his hand nearly hits the mat, but he suddenly raises it high and begins to shake his fist. He elbows Mechagodzilla and breaks the grip. Mechagodzilla activates his force field and Hogan does a “No, no” finger wave in Mechagodzilla’s face.
Hulkamania has kicked in. Not even God can save Mechagodzilla now.
Hogan starts to hulk up and the fate of America is looking pretty fucking good.
Interference: Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase and Cowboy Bob Orton rush down to the ring, but Hogan quickly dispatches Orton with a clothesline. Hogan then grabs DiBiase and Mechagodzilla and bashes their skulls together. DiBiase goes down and Mechagodzilla’s head comes off. The Planet 3 aliens, having seen the previous pay-per-view, retreat back into space.
Finish: Hogan throws Mechagodzilla against the ropes and as Mechagodzilla runs back towards him, Hogan drops the robotic lizard with a boot to the neck, since the face is not an option at the point.
Hogan delivers a running leg drop to Mechagodzilla and covers him. Mothra, knocked out at sometime during the brawl, is replaced by Rodan, who makes the three count. Hogan celebrates the win by throwing Rodan out into a crowd, which has gathered around Tokyo to wonder when they’ll finally get a break. Hundreds are crushed.
Hogan flexes some more and exits, while “Real American” plays again.
Vince McMahon asks Mechagodzilla to take a four month hiatus, so that the writing team can think of a better gimmick for the machine. They settle on “ninja,” and “Shin Obi” soon debuts. The reaction is mixed.
*There is no correct answer to this.