The iPhone 5 is here. And while you want it—you’re not sure why, you just do—it’s going to be a long series of queues for you and many hopefuls as the mighty fruit machine works to meet fervent demand. If you’re on the list of those who’ll be using an older phone for just a while longer (how will you ever cope?), you can take solace in the fact that despite all of the iPhone 5’s bells and whistles, it’s still missing features we hope will ultimately find their way inside future iterations.
Apple ∞ Battery
Despite a shift towards smarter power consumption, battery life is still a phone’s Achilles heel. Hopefully a future iPhone will shift that paradigm. Dubbed the Apple Infinity Battery, the battery will likely be the product of clever marketing, taking a future iPhone 8 battery and flipping it sideways, setting up a scenario where you’ll gloat to your friends about your phone’s never-ending stamina seconds before it abruptly dies and leaves you all hanging in awkward silence—a fitting analogy to your performance in bed. But you, like many great Apple executives, are versed in the art of spin. So the next time your Android loving buddies try and call you out, wittily rebuke their criticism with, “See? Now that’s a smart phone. It can auto turn off whenever it doesn’t feel like wasting its breath.”
Apple ∞ Retina Display
Because every bit of space counts, the future iPhone will contain even higher pixel density than ever before. Forget 326 pixels per inch. In keeping with the above motif, how about infinity pixels per inch? Not mathematically possible according to Leibniz? It is with Apple. There’ll be so much digital real estate that you’ll gloat to your friends yet again as you squint repeatedly while trying to decipher if the Youtube video you’re watching is actually legit or a redirect to a porn clip from a similarly named website.
The new phone will put archaic mobile products from this generation to shame with its unprecedented Four Squared (not to be confused with the company of the same name that will likely get bought out by Apple at the time of reading this article) G network. You’ll wonder how you lived life before the switch to this pioneering new standard. Revel in awe as your blistering fast service makes you the envy of your friends, putting you in a perfect position to gloat for a third time while they contemplate whether you suffering an ‘accident’ would truly be considered an injustice.
Fresh off their giant victory against rival Samsung, all future iterations of Apple’s iPhone will come loaded with instant access to Patent Infringement Selection Software, Apple’s proprietary litigation app that challenges and questions anything that remotely resembles a rectangle or a touch screen… or edible fruit. Because as an iIdiot (not a misspell), it’s not enough to arrogantly assume your phone is the best, it’s also your duty to stifle competition and force a monopoly down everyone’s throat. Add insult to injury by (you guessed it) gloating for a fourth time, commenting on how your legendary PISS forces your friends to pay premiums on their products thanks to a long line of royalties owed to Apple.
Perhaps nothing will be more revolutionary than the future iPhone’s Android Severing Subsystem, an embedded chip programmed to detect all Android devices within vicinity and wirelessly send a kill code to ignite all enemy phones within radius on fire… or crash them with gifs of Steve Jobs iconically repeating, “I’m going to destroy Android.” Also, don’t forget to gloat to your friends afterwards about how it was your ASS that contributed to the demise of their now defunct smartphones turned paperweights.
Because merely showing off an iPhone and talking nonstop about it is never enough; enter iScent, an appropriate odor release mechanism built within every device to ensure everyone within vicinity knows just what’s up. And naturally, in keeping with the standard Apple practice, all odors will be locked and be completely proprietary, allowing no outside options for customization whatsoever. Initial choices will likely include Golden Delicious, Pink Lady and predictably, McIntosh. Future iScent selections will eventually debut at the app store for the usual overpriced amount but you won’t care because you’ll be too busy gloating to your friends about how your phone smells so delicious, you can’t help but want to eat it. Don’t worry, as the good friends they are, they’ll likely ensure that you do.
iCosa Core Processor
Since Apple just loves using terms that begin with the third vowel of the alphabet, the distant iPhone will come out with an industry shattering not four, or eight, but twenty core processor. Just imagine, multithreaded apps will still run like ever before—since no sane computer programmer will want to write parallel code for software that can run on twenty threads—but you, along with the rest of the iIdiots won’t know that. You’ll—wait for it—gloat to your friends (are you starting to see a pattern here?) about your supreme ability to multitask but when they comment how their end phone experience is ultimately the same, you’ll expertly blame your lack of fingers.
Even though Samsung likely came with the idea first, Apple will of course lay claim to the origin of the design and call it something predictable and trite like iSee or iEyes. The future iPhone will do away with that aesthetically unpleasing border and when you, and many others, begin complaining about various complications when handling the edges of the screen, Tim Cook will take a line out of Steve Jobs’ quote book and tell you “you’re holding it wrong”. Afterwards, you’ll naturally gloat to your friends about how your uber phone shatters previous design conceptions seconds before it’s taken and smashed over your head, leaking fragments of its PISS from its ASS everywhere.