Two perfect things can’t exist on the same planet without them clashing or having sex. It’s why the phrase “an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was invented, and also why Jay-Z and Beyonce were destined to breed for thousands of years. However, since this is a Versus, the two perfect things of choice will go with the battling route. Those hoping for the more loving option will simply have to wait for a link to my fan fiction. So, without any sort of introduction, we take you to the Tokyo HyperDome, for WRESTLEMANIA DCCVII. Your main event is a war for the ages, one whispered into the wind for generations.
HULK HOGAN VS MECHAGODZILLA!
The Contenders
Hulk Hogan
As Seen In: Saturday Night’s Main Event, Suburban Commando, No Holds Barred.
Catchphrase: “What’cha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?”*
Origin Story: Has always existed. Came into the public eye when he broke Iron Sheik’s Camel Clutch and became WWF Champion, thus inventing the word “celebrity” as we know it today.
Best Known For: Blond hair, 24 inch pythons, slamming 1,700 pound Andre the Giant in front of thirty billion screaming Hulkamaniacs.
Notable Strengths: Can harness the power of Hulkamania. At a certain point, punches will only make him stronger. Leg drops. Can slam any opponent, no matter their size, if he gets to the proper energy level.
Notable Weaknesses: For a short time, betraying America (or Hogan himself) will make Hogan confused enough for enemies to land hits on him.
Best Moment: Former patriot, Sgt. Slaughter, allies himself with Saddam Hussein, and wins the WWF Championship. Hogan thinks this is complete bullshit and beats Slaughter at Wrestlemania VII for the title. Peace is established in the Middle East forever. Oh wait…
Mechagodzilla
As Seen In: Every Godzilla movie with the word “Mechagodzilla” in the title.
Catchphrase: “SCHEEUUUUHHHRRRRRRRUHHHUHUHUHRRRRRRUUUURHRURH”
Origin Story: Sometimes created by the government, but most famously created by the asshole Black Hole Planet 3 aliens who, in order to conquer the world, decided to go with the irony of building something that looked like earth’s mightiest defender, rather than the obvious space bomb.
Best Known For: Beating the hell out of Godzilla five times, sometimes dresses up like Godzilla to mess with everyone.
Notable Strengths: Finger missles, laser breath and eyes, knee rockets, chest laser, force field, flight.
Notable Weaknesses: Prone to having his head ripped off. Later versions of him ran out of energy after a while, so he’s a badass within a certain timeframe.
Best Moment: An atomic Eiffel Tower almost occurs when Mechagodzilla is approached on one side by a peeved Godzilla and on the other by a consistently under-whelming dog/idiot King Caesar. Mechagodzilla spun his head around to use his eye lasers, while shooting finger missiles forward, effectively knocking down both attackers.
The Match
Entrance Themes: Hulk Hogan would enter the fray to the familiar strains of “Real American,” while Mechagodzilla enters to the sound of his own rocket feet.
Preparation: Mechagodzilla does karate poses. Hogan is unimpressed and rips off his shirt, throwing it across Mount Fuji and into a lucky child’s hands (and heart.) Hogan flexes and motions for the crowd to cheer harder. The crowd, dead and dying from Mechagodzilla’s recent attack, have bigger concerns and remain unresponsive.
Opening Moves: It starts off with a grappling game. Hogan has the flexibility of a baseball bat’s corpse, but that’s still slightly better than Mechagodzilla’s. After pushing him back and delivering a few clotheslines, Hogan throws Mechagodzilla outside the ring. He then motions for the crowd’s support.
Somewhere, an inconsolable mother screams for her child to awaken.
Long-Range Advantage: Mechagodzilla re-enters the ring as tentatively as the Planet 3 aliens will allow him to, and then launches an eye laser at a charging Hogan. Hogan falls, but gets back up quickly, only to receive finger missiles to the chest. Hogan is down. Mechagodzilla begins his barrage and pushes Hogan back into a corner. Mechagodzilla initiates the very technical plan of making sure that Hogan doesn’t punch him by blasting him with every weapon in his arsenal, point-blank.
Busted Open: Hogan takes a laser to the forehead and starts to bleed. He does this gratuitously, and more than any normal human ever should. Mechagodzilla takes this chance to lock on a sleeper hold and Hogan seems unable to fight out of it. He comes close to passing out.
Special guest, Cyndi Lauper, is at ringside. She seems completely nonplussed about everything going on.
The referee, Mothra, holds up Hogan’s wrist. It falls.
1….
Hogan’s wrist drops again. Outer space beings prepare their earthling-rape kits.
2….
Hogan’s wrist drops out of Mothra’s grip and his hand nearly hits the mat, but he suddenly raises it high and begins to shake his fist. He elbows Mechagodzilla and breaks the grip. Mechagodzilla activates his force field and Hogan does a “No, no” finger wave in Mechagodzilla’s face.
Hulkamania has kicked in. Not even God can save Mechagodzilla now.
Hogan starts to hulk up and the fate of America is looking pretty fucking good.
Interference: Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase and Cowboy Bob Orton rush down to the ring, but Hogan quickly dispatches Orton with a clothesline. Hogan then grabs DiBiase and Mechagodzilla and bashes their skulls together. DiBiase goes down and Mechagodzilla’s head comes off. The Planet 3 aliens, having seen the previous pay-per-view, retreat back into space.
Finish: Hogan throws Mechagodzilla against the ropes and as Mechagodzilla runs back towards him, Hogan drops the robotic lizard with a boot to the neck, since the face is not an option at the point.
Hogan delivers a running leg drop to Mechagodzilla and covers him. Mothra, knocked out at sometime during the brawl, is replaced by Rodan, who makes the three count. Hogan celebrates the win by throwing Rodan out into a crowd, which has gathered around Tokyo to wonder when they’ll finally get a break. Hundreds are crushed.
Hogan flexes some more and exits, while “Real American” plays again.
Vince McMahon asks Mechagodzilla to take a four month hiatus, so that the writing team can think of a better gimmick for the machine. They settle on “ninja,” and “Shin Obi” soon debuts. The reaction is mixed.
*There is no correct answer to this.