Usually on Versus, opponents fight each other based on similar personalities and characteristics. But sometimes, all you have in common with someone else is a name. Luckily, that’s more than enough reason to fight to the death!
Today, we bring you the battle of Megatron, the evil Transformer, and Megatron, the NFL wide receiver who’s an overall pretty decent guy. But he’s in for the fight for his life, against a homicidal robot with tons of firepower and an unquenchable thirst to destroy all humanity.
Decepti “Megatron” Con
As Seen In: The Transformers
Created By: The Quintessons. Or, if you want to be boring and technical about it, Hasbro.
Named For: It sounding awesome. What cool 80’s kid wouldn’t badger their parents into spending $19.95 on a piece of plastic called MEGATRON?
Notable Strengths: Evil and tyrannical, with no regard for human or robotic life. Shoots lasers from his eyes. Has a cannon for an arm.
Notable Weaknesses: Not much for strategy; prefers to just yell and fight and shoot, hoping for the best. Blindly arrogant. Employs Starscream, who constantly challenges Megatron’s authority at the worst possible times.
Most Badass Moment: Killing Optimus Prime, a rarity in children’s entertainment. Rita never killed the Power Rangers. Shredder never made soup out of the Turtles. But Megatron actually murdered the good guy! For a little while anyways.
Least Badass Moment: Getting his ass kicked by a can of spray paint.
Calvin “Megatron” Johnson
As Seen In: The National Football League
Created By: His Mommy and Daddy
Named For: Having gigantic hands, just like the robot. Yes, that’s a true story. A fellow player nicknamed him Megatron because of his big-ass hands. In that case, why not just call him Andre The Giant? That guy was legit bigger than half the Decepticons anyway.
Notable Strengths: Incredibly strong and fast, with gigantic hands and a 45-inch vertical that would be the envy of damn near every NBA star not named Jordan.
Notable Weaknesses: Plays for the Detroit Lions. That’s like roasting the most delicious Thanksgiving turkey ever, and sticking it on the table next to a bunch of week-old Big Mac Extra Value meals.
Most Badass Moment: Making the cover of Madden ’13, which prompted everybody to scream AGH, MAAAAADDDDENNN CURRRRRSE. He’s having his best year ever, and just shattered the record for most receiving yards in a single season. That should kill any Curse talk until next year, when everyone will start braying about it again like nothing ever happened.
Least Badass Moment: Scoring a touchdown but spiking the ball while still in motion, thus having it ruled an incomplete pass. Silly Megatron: you’re supposed to hold onto the ball, get up, go a stupid dance with it, and THEN spike the damn thing.
This battle would purely be 1-on-1, which neither side would bitch about. The Decepticons are classically horrible at the whole being-evil thing, and the Lions are so bad that even people who hate football know they suck.
Now, on the surface, Megatron The Robot should crush Megatron The Footballer, being a giant robot and all. However, for those envisioning another Bambi vs. Godzilla, bear in mind that immediately squishing puny humans into a tasty pulp just isn’t dramatic enough for a megalomaniacal robot overlord.
No, this battle would involve Robot Megatron shooting endlessly, while Johnson just ducks, dodges, and runs and runs and runs. He’d basically employ the old Muhammad Ali rope-a-dope method. Keep moving, let his opponent run out of ammo, and go in for the kill.
But how? Even sans firepower, Megatron’s still a huge robot. Luckily for Johnson, he’s a pretty stupid one. His arrogance, pride, and hatred is shockingly easy to exploit; all Johnson would need to do is start taunting him about, oh, anything. His past failures, Starscream, how dumb he looks in the Michael Bay movies, and whatever else comes to his head. Megatron would almost certainly lose it and begin throwing random shit in a blind rage.
This would allow Johnson to do what he does best: catch shit. All Metal Megatron has to do is chuck a large rock, or a camera, or a piece of the goal post, and Flesh Megatron will catch it with his apparently robot-sized hands, and throw it right back at his foe. Repeat several times over, and the robot should soon be busted beyond repair.
Of course, there’s one other issue here: Johnson’s too damn nice! He goes to work, plays better football than almost anybody, and then goes home. No bluster, no scandals, no braggadocio, no nothing. Just football. That’s not going to be enough if your goal is to troll an evil robot into chucking weaponry at you.
So Johnson will need to do some pre-fight training. He’ll have to find somebody who’s great at inciting rage through taunts and biting comments. But it’s face-to-face, so YouTube commenters and 4Chan trolls need not apply. Instead, he’ll have to hire a proven real-life troll, like Chad Ochocinco, to fire him up. Ocho would work tirelessly to turn Johnson into a trash-talker extraordinaire, capable of making even the most hardened robot see red.
Unfortunately for robot aficionados everywhere, Calvin Johnson has this one in the bag. Megatron is just too pigheaded to win much of anything. Even when he managed to kill Optimus Prime, he damn near died himself in the process.
Also, spray paint. Yes, we’ve mentioned that already, but it’s ridiculous enough to mention again. Nobody’s winning a battle to the death if they’ve already proven they can’t stand up to The Krylon Touch. And until Johnson tears his ACL thanks to a horrible wiffleball attack, then the only thing the Decepticon will win at, is finding the stupidest possible way to lose.