Zombies: a volatile species no different than Charlie Sheen. Visceral and terrifying, they’re known to complicate things. No, this isn’t a subliminally disguised piece on the complexities of dealing with the opposite sex; it is in fact about zombies. Really. From Danny Boyle’s brutally bleak ’28 Days Later’ to Ruben Fleischer’s more comedic ‘Zombieland’, the concept of a grisly outbreak is a ubiquitous fixture in today’s fiction. But what if it weren’t fiction? Would you survive? Probably not. And while ‘Zombieland’ offered some survival rules, it didn’t give you a real instructional breakdown of the many ways you’ll likely fail, epically. So, without further ado…
You Move More Like A Broken Down Colt
Fat? Lazy? Lack of exercise? Poor choice of diet? All irrelevant. Don’t blame those for your eventual demise because they’re not the culprit. Blame your genes… and your parents. Always blame your parents. For everything. The sole reason you can’t and won’t survive a sudden zombie outbreak is because you, like a vast majority, can’t move faster than a Segway since you never bothered to train to do so. After all, that would constitute real effort and sweat, nonexistent terms in your vocabulary. Incidentally, nonexistent is exactly what you’ll become once you find out that even the slowest undead can outrun you.
Change is Your Worst Enemy
Adapt? Evolve? Fuhgettaboutit. Darwin makes you squirm. You’ve become so affixed to your mediocre, but relatively efficient and comfortable life that you’d rather just keep on watching TV or surfing the internet for porn while waiting for the zombies to break down your door. But maybe you might be willing to adapt. The Keyword being ‘might’. As in, you might try and reason with them, offering your deadbeat roommate in exchange for immunity, before tragically—and ironically—getting done in by said roommate seconds after he’s been infected.
Face it, deep down zombies must harbor some of the same visual prejudices that we do. After all, one of them is your stuck-up, shallow neighbor who you were only too happy to lock outside when she screamed to be let in, seconds before her cries of despair were replaced with guttural grunts of animalistic incoherence. Do you think zombies just go around biting off the arm of anyone they see? They discriminate and judge more than Simon Cowell. So when you agonize daily into a mirror why the different components of your face are rearranged as asymmetrically as they are, just remember that in very short time, things will look even worse. But cheer up, you’ll still be prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker.
You’re The Anti Mitt Romney
That massively overpriced (and completely useless) arts degree from Harvard never paid off did it? Big surprise. It’s probably led you and others to a singular destination: Wall Street. Sure, the Occupy movement was an emphatic and empowering—if brief—moment where the lower class got to feel high and mighty for a change. That still didn’t stop the fat cats from pointing and laughing at you all the way up from their ivory glass towers. That’s also exactly what they’ll be doing when the majority of your hippie friends trade in the signs of protest for mangled limbs after they’ve been infected. But hey, at least you’ll still be a part of something, right?
You Have More Issues Than Time Magazine
While you might be complex and misunderstood, zombies aren’t. They only have one objective in mind: ripping your emo head off to ensure no one else suffers. In a classic but tragic case of the boy who cried wolf, don’t be surprised if the next time you run around the streets screaming, your doom mongering ways are completely ignored by the general populace who’ve likely had enough of your crap. Look on the bright side: once you’ve inadvertently screwed over the entire human race and turned them into zombies, no one will be able to comment on just how shitty your poetry is.
You Spend Too Much Time on Your Smartphone
Contrary to popular belief, not everyone’s willing to wait as you Google escape routes, store locations and the nearest coffee shop for your daily caffeine fix, zombies included. Not only will they mercilessly ignore your baseless requests to temporarily halt all the killing and mutilating as you wait for your Android phone to load something, they’ll likely break it over your head before doing you in, asserting the notion that prior to their zombification, they were indeed iPhone fans.
You’re Softer than the Pillsbury Doughboy
And not the good kind of soft either. Even Charmin toilet paper puts you to shame. In your book, manual labor involves carrying the groceries up one flight of stairs and a paper cut requires a trip to the ER. You fill the room up with your worthless sobs every time a rerun of ‘The Notebook’ is on TV… and you’re a guy. But don’t worry; you can take solace in the fact that you’ll likely be the first to go. If not by a group of savage zombies, then surely from a bunch of your human peers who’ve put up with your marshmallow personality for far too long.
You Refuse to Stop Wearing Your Freakishly Tight Jeans
A zombie outbreak is no time to try and make a fashion statement. Your ex bit the dust because she refused to ditch the skinny clothes and high heels she claimed made her look good. Imagine the irony of that now. So while you likely won’t be picking up chicks anytime soon with your drastic wardrobe change now geared for survival, you won’t be missing much anyways since the prettiest girl post-zombie apocalypse will likely have more cold sores on her face than all of today’s herpes infested celebrities combined.
No explanation needed. Hand in your man card and accept your fate. It’s the only way to salvage any remaining decency.