Sex and video games are like water and electricity: the first vital for life, the second makes it more fun, but attempts to combine them often lead to disaster. If a sarcastic robot caught you with your dick in a tub of locally-sourced butter, it wouldn’t mock your disgusting organic urges as much as these video games.

BMX XXX

It’s hard to make a stunt-sports game, because the stunts have to be exciting despite removing all the danger and athletic ability. Good games like SSX 3 craft a balance of speed and spectacular scoring mechanics. The other kind of game, BMX XXX, shouts “Boobies!” and hopes you’re stupid enough to fall for it. But since you can read this, you’re not.

This was made by a team who couldn’t even think of “BM XXX”. It’s like paying for a temporary lobotomy. The gimmick is that high scores unlock softcore videos of real strippers, which is pointless, because people who care about high scores already know about the internet. The only people who could possibly be interested in these clips are despairologists, researching recordings of a stripper realizing that this is the worst gig she will ever have, and despairologists don’t exist.

The game’s only point was showing nudity on consoles. Interesting note: in many places you can’t show nudity on consoles. You’d think a video game developer would know that, but “thinking” is another thing the developer didn’t know how to do. Several major retailers, the Playstation 2 and the entire continent of Australia refused to allow the game until all nudity was removed. BMX XXX without the sex was more pathetic looking than a tortoise without its shell, and about as fast -moving. The game developers could have displayed nudity in the middle of the road between a preschool and a police station and not done this badly.

Riana Rouge

In the late nineties CDs gave games hundreds of megabytes of storage space, and they used it for Full Motion Video. This was like using Fort Knox to store used diapers. Most of the movies looked like a cameraphone recording from the bottom of a swimming pool filled with vaseline. Including how that means the cameraman would have died, and all the actresses are porn stars. Note: all the actresses in Riana Rouge are porn stars.

Black Dragon Productions decided to fill their video with Playmates, and FMV was so bad this was one still of the best ideas the genre ever had. Unfortunately, it was also the only idea Black Dragon Productions had. The acting made the average porno acting look exactly the same thing. It was a Playboy video with no nudity and random brutal death. There’s more X-rated action in the average modern shampoo commercial. Add the standard problems of FMV games (clunky controls, fewer options than an elevator control panel) and the result was not-even softcore it was possible to fail. It was like trying to watch a late-night movie with a remote control which wanted to kill you.

Lula: The Sexy Empire

Lula: The Sexy Empire was an attempt to create the most depressing game in existence by combining Farmville with cartoon porn. Darkseid’s Anti-Life equation doesn’t attack the soul that hard. The titular character tries to make herself the star of a a national porn empire while on the run from the FBI, and if you can spot a problem in this plan you care more than the people who programmed it.

Business management games can be incredibly compelling, forcing you to balance multiple pressures and interacting systems. They live or die based on the intelligence of the game mechanics, and here those mechanics are “sketches of cartoon asses.”

The entire game is based on lazily moving between pages with pictures of cartoon tits, clicking on icons once they’ve built up enough to give you a reward, but then they need a refractory period before being used again. So even the gameplay is a parody of masturbation, and how the player has nothing better to do.

Lula Pinball

Lula is actually a shared property, a plastic character passed around from developer to developer to be filled with whatever they feel like doing. It’s the gaming equivalent of an inflatable sex doll, but less fun, more depressing, and based on the quality of the results none of them washed her when they were finished. Lula Pinball claims to be the most erotic pinball game ever made. That’s like claiming the most times bashing your own head off a wall trophy: there wasn’t a competition, and the fact you’d even try means someone should have stopped you.

The game takes the piss out of everyone playing it by forcing them to choose the number of players. As if the moaning sex-pinball would ever be played by more than one. Simulated pinball has always been a bit blasphemous, with unlikely ball mechanics (another problem for players of this game) but the way the ball moves here is outright sorcery – it has nothing to do with the laws of physics or any kind of loving god. This game knows less about physics than it does about biology, and Lula makes anatomy textbooks catch fire when she walks past.

The ball slides around with the painted shape of a pinball, but has no real feel and is deeply unsatisfying. Which means even the game’s physics are taking the piss out of its pornography. The camera whips up and down too fast to actually follow the game, never mind the cartoonish scrawls of the world’s most sexually disturbed eight year old, so you’ve got a game which is either a modern art masterpiece expressing how pornography can be an ultimately unsatisfying series of rapid images and urges, or the worst game ever made.

World of Warcraft Nudity

The other developers on this list merely worked pixelated porn. But Azerothica are engaged in a constant digital battle for the most terrifying monsters in all of video game.

Azerothica provides nude mods for World of Warcraft. For those who don’t think the game mocks the very idea of social interaction quite enough yet. These updates allow naked sprites, bondage gear, or female characters carrying what looks like a very large barbarian club made out of pork and AAUUUGHH.

Their problem – or at least their software problem – is that WoW is constantly updated and patched by the developers, and these fixes often remove the customized nude content. Which is just another reason to call them “fixes”. But the Azerothicans won’t take this lying down – the only thing they want like that are naked hermaphroditic pandas – and constantly patch their own files. The result is the most terrifying arms race on the internet. Well, mostly a wrist race.

Every country has its own mythology. Sometimes, that mythology is based around a specific theme or the inability to explain certain things in nature. Sometimes it relates directly to a country’s religion or other spiritual beliefs. Mystical creatures often played a huge role in these mythologies too, especially in Japan, where their mythology had a lot to do with all the things I listed above, including insanity. These are ten Japanese monsters that are so ridiculous that they often seem sarcastic.

Abumi-guchi

An abumi-guchi is a stirrup that belonged to a dead soldier. It lies and waits for the fallen owner to return. Thus, it’s not even a real monster. It’s simply the result of no one cleaning up the battlefield after the fight is over. If you’re not the ghost owner coming back to find all the shit he dropped, it’s just breathing garbage. You can replicate this monster this by going into a dead person’s barn, gluing googly eyes on all the equipment and then worshipping that equipment for centuries.

Abura-akago

The abura-akago is something reborn only when an infant licks some oil, as the abura-akago is the spirit of a person who stole oil, but was special enough to not die properly. It’s a spirit that will stay dead unless you’re negligent in raising your child. I hate to sound like I disrespect a legend, but it seems rather impractical to base your existence on whether or not a baby is going to do something idiotic.

Akaname

The akaname comes into your bathroom at night and licks up the grime, meaning that you get a Japanese demon in every can of Lysol. It’s said to personify the fear of going into a dark bathroom, but I’d be hesitant to fear anything that’s main purpose was to clean up little, drunken, pee drops around the toilet.

Chochinobake

This, along with creatures like the aoandon, all resemble traditional paper lanterns, which means that any Japanese person’s trip to a Bed, Bath and Beyond is a humbling and potentially terrifying experience.

Tsukumogami

There are a specific group of Japanese monsters called the tsukumogami, which are various objects that gain life, but only when they turn one-hundred-years-old. The biggest problem with this system of empowerment is that most things, at one-hundred, have been battered into uselessness by time. So, whatever sake glass (kameosa) or mosquito net (shironeri)  that your family, out of some misplaced priority, has passed down from generation to generation, is going to be ruined with age. It will be just like an actual person at one-hundred – dirty, frail and probably gibbering about minorities.

My favorite tsukumogami is the jotai. The jotai is a possessed cloth hanging from a folding screen. I believe that this was made during a hypothetical era in Japanese history where uncreative people would invent monsters by screaming and then pointing at a random object whenever someone turned to see what the town wuss was raving about.

Uwan

Sometimes, ancient Japanese monsters didn’t really have a defined purpose. Mostly they’d be around to drown children or suck the blood from passers-by. However, in the case of something like the uwan, they existed just to be assholes to people, even if their chances of encountering people were very, very slim. The uwan is a disembodied voice that haunts abandoned houses and temples, which, considering how many people visit rotting, old places, means that it usually haunts no one in particular. It’s named “uwan” because that’s what its cry sounds like and the best formation of words to describe it are “inefficient at an almost impossible level,” because it is.

Uma-no-ashi

People who are sort of unlucky walk next to something called a jubokku, a tree that extends its limbs to grab people that walk near it and drains the life out of them. People who are truly unlucky fall prey to the uma-no-ashi which was a tree that had a kicking horse’s leg dangling from it. Not a whole horse or multiple legs, just the one, swinging haphazardly and hopefully landing a blow or two, because if you’re too dumb to notice that one tree with the hoof striking the air, you deserve the kick.

Kawa-uso

The kawa-uso is a supernatural river otter, and this by far is the most ridiculous monster on the list. Have you ever seen an otter, Japan? They’re adorable!

Nurarihyon

The nurarihyon is a monster that looks like an old man. He will come into your house, drink your tea and act like he owns the place. He is hard to get rid of because he looks so human, and can be easily confused with the owner of the house, which is some kind of ancient Japanese racism against its own people. I have no frame of reference for this type of creature. The closest thing that I can relate to it is the scene in Rush Hour 2 when Chris Tucker accidentally punched Jackie Chan in the face, but totally made it okay when he explained it off as “ALL Y’ALL LOOK ALIKE!”

Shirime

The shirime is a creature with an eye in the place of its anus. I understand that this one may seem like a deleted scene from a Human Centipede film, or what happens when you try to create a monster by asking a thirteen-year-old boy to write words and drop them into a hat, but it’s actually from an ancient poem. A samurai was walking by himself and encountered a stranger. He prepared to fight the stranger, until the stranger dropped his kimono and revealed the eyeball in his ass. The samurai fled, and the story ends.

I hate to call bullshit on a story written hundreds of years ago, but samurai or not, the human response to seeing a shirime is to chop it into dozens of pieces first, burn it until there’s no chance of its soul inhabiting a lamp, and deflect all questions with “It looked like it was ready to attack me.”

It’s a hard time to be a conspiracy theorist. They hunker like microwave burritos, covered in tinfoil and stuffed with extremely suspicious material, scanning the TV for mind control signals and finding the exact opposite: reality TV. Which doesn’t need any mind at all. How bad must that feel? They alone know how aliens killed JFK, and nobody listens. Every human alive has been part of a pregnancy, but the the cast of 19 and up get still an audience of millions.

The internet is even worse. It used to be that a sufficiently spittle-flecked barrage of fake facts would drive off all but the most determined sane person. Now anyone can disprove their arguments in seconds. And the internet is far better at insane rants too. The conspiracy theorist needs a moon mission and at least three Elvis clones, but the internet can go just as insane about a bad video game review. In honor of these struggling psychopaths, behold the bronze, silver, and gold of conspiracy insanity.

Phantom Time

Heribert Illig makes most conspiracy theorists look lacking in imagination. He skips over pedantry like Area 51 and Atlantis to allege that three entire centuries of history are imaginary, and every single historian, scientist, astronomer and calendar-looker-at since has been covering it up. The “Phantom Time Hypothesis” alleges that the years 614 – 911 AD simply didn’t happen, and is also a Doctor Who episode plot which somehow escaped into the real world.

A huge chunk of the Dark Ages didn’t happen. The Vikings simply didn’t exist. China was nice enough to invent the entire Tang dynasty just so that the Roman Holy Emperor Otto III could pretend to be ruling in the year 1000 AD. I’m not joking to make them sound more ridiculous, but only because I can’t – that really was one of their theories. And because shouting “you’re insane” isn’t a scientific argument, no matter how accurate it may be, researchers had to find proof that 15% of AD actually happened. A fact so obvious it lights up the sky, which is exactly how they confirmed it: records of Halley’s comet appear in historical records at the right times. Many other errors were also found, but when someone has the only conspiracy theory so crazy it’s actually disproved by real lights in the sky you’re allowed to just stop talking about them.

Armed Weathermen

The internet has made it easier to diagnose the early warning signs of conspiracy theory. If someone casually tweets that they think the president would empower weathermen with hollow-point ammunition to massacre citizens, you can get them professional mental help. Or stop being friends with them. At the very least you’d hope they weren’t your elected representative. But if you live in Kentucky you would – as you do with so many things – be hoping in vain.

Senator Rand Paul bought into a conspiracy theory that the National Weather Service was buying 46,000 rounds of hollowpoint ammunition, and that this was preparation for a government takeover-by-shooting-everyone. Because we all know that when the President of the United States decides to go rogue the most lethal weapon available to him will be weathermen. You end up hoping an elected official simply misunderstood “meteorologist” to mean “from space”, because at least then the stupid conspiracy theory would be awesome.

It’s also fun to notice that when many people genuinely thought that the supreme executive power was about to send tens of thousands of flesh-destroying rounds against his opponents, their first response was to write saying “I know what you’re doing and oppose you. Here is my IP address.” So take this as a warning: when your choices are LINK “simple clerical error” or “And now Tom with the weather and the massacre of our country”, it’s probably the former.

Rainbow Woman

The chemtrail conspiracy is famous, and almost understandable. It’s natural to be impressed by flying jets leaving trails of condensed water through the sky. Those are hundreds of tons of metal soaring like that wasn’t impossible! They DO prove that people are up to mind-boggling scientific projects which alter the very fabric of human society! Those projects are “engineering” and “aerodynamics,” the sort of thing that really should make anyone think. Unfortunately many think “smart people are trying to control me” while revealing that smart people wouldn’t need to, and that the word “think” earlier in this sentence was a lie.

They claim that the trails of condensed water (contrails) are released chemicals (chemtrails). Even though chemicals released at that altitude would diffuse to homeopathically-ineffective levels. Besides, if the airline industry was part of a critical citizen control project, flights would be better organized. They couldn’t have California erupting in armed insurrection because of LAX’s shitty scheduling. And this conspiracy is for people who don’t aim that high. It takes real insanity to build a conspiracy theory out of a lawn sprinkler, but this MacGuyver of Madness does exactly that.

For those preserving their IQ high score by not watching it: a woman sees a rainbow in the lawn sprinkler droplets, and reveals a lot more about her life than she’d like by choosing “bitter paranoia” instead of “beauty.” She attempts to explode the English language through sheer irony by looking at a rainbow and saying “This cannot be natural.” You can actually see the point where her level of education tops out, because her “learn to read” books taught her that rainbows happen in the sky. When she finds out that the sun doesn’t really have a smiling face on it she’s going to have a theological breakdown, and that is going to happen because she’s not smart enough to avoid staring to find out.

At one time, the internet was full of money. Nigerian princes used to offer me millions through email, daily, and I had never even met them. But, ever since the world collapsed, money has been harder to come by. Kickstarter operates on the basis that this collapse never happened. Want something done? Surely the Internet will like it enough to pay for it!

These are ten Kickstarter campaigns that wanted your money, and did everything they could not to get it.

The Story of Jesus and Us

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1355626803/the-story-of-jesus-and-us

David L. Wetzell isn’t the best at staying on topic. He spends the first half of his page telling you nothing about the book he is trying to write. If you asked David what his favorite color was, he’d spend your day telling a story about how he came to discover that he liked colors.  And even the line he gives you at the top “A love story with Jesus as its’ heart, based on a “riddle” in the Gospels of John and Luke.” Is just vague enough to frustrate me. David lists his project as about four different damn things, so I’m not sure whether I’m funding a “book” or an “oral performance” or a “two-part play” or a “Kickstarter Optimization Plan.” David needs to focus less on what his book is not about and more on what medium he’s using to give us this…something?

Jasper Flare – Aspiring Young Artist’s Album

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2132326334/jasper-flare-aspiring-young-artists-album-0

Jasper Flare promises a lot. He says that he will “revolutionize pop culture” and “stereotypes” and I’m still not sure that he knows the definitions to any of those words. If I re-read it, I could probably find Jasper’s promise for a “free bikini girl massage” somewhere in there too. If you donate twenty dollars, Jasper promises to thank you through “any form of social media.” Thanks for the shout out, Jasper. You’ll be like “Thanks, Dan!” and I’d be like “Viva la Jasper Revolucion!”

Gonzo in New Orleans

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/347421397/gonzo-in-new-orleans

The man only known as “james” doesn’t need help starting the Hunter S. Thompson inspired show. A Johnny Depp impersonation doesn’t cost anything but your pride. He needs help with gas. This Kickstarter campaign is the equivalent of a mooching friend who doesn’t want to take the bus. I half-expected “james” to ask for a bite of my sandwich in his promotional video.

Slender Men: A Documentary

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/441941230/slender-men-a-documentary

Eric Reese is a smarter man than I am, and one who will go to any lengths to fund whatever he babbles about for most of the page. As his picture, he’s put a photo of two children. If you click the photo, you’ll find out that it’s Eric and his sister as children. If you don’t, though, they’re just two random kids, caught in the cross fire of the nonsense that Eric calls a “project.” Thus, this campaign will probably the plot of a future Steven Seagal film. Eric wants his money, and he’s got the kids. Steven Seagal will stop at nothing to get those kids back. Steven Seagal is…Kickstarted.

Small Talk (aka 1-900-KILL-YOU) Phone Sex Horror Movie

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/nicolewitte/small-talk-aka-1-900-kill-you-phone-sex-horror-mov

Is there a less marketable name to promote your project as? Two different titles for the “phone sex horror movie” genre? It’s almost unappetizing. They might as well list it as “What are we doing (aka 1-900-NOT-FILM) haha my toilet burped.”

Book About the Human Drama of Extramarital Relationships

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/287369119/book-about-the-human-drama-of-extra-marital-relati

I’ve never seen a page filled with so many words that counted for so little. It calls having an affair “the ultimate human drama”, so eat it, Schindler’s List. Genocides and actual dramas mean nothing in the face of horny spouses. It gives excerpts from some of the stories, to tantalize us, but they seem to forget that these stories are about affairs. The human body is conditioned to feel awful when hearing about this. “Would you like to pay money to see how a family is torn apart? Intriguing, no?”

The Universal Vagina of Light, Phase 1

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/joyologist/the-universal-vagina-of-light-phase-1

Meredith Brown tries to get money for a project in the same way she writes a grocery list – in an incoherent message to people and to the stars, that you’re sure to summon at least four demons by reading. Meredith calls it a “portal” and I know enough about the relatively easy creation of portals to stop there. Also, this is just Phase 1. Imagine if this campaign had gotten funded. Phase 2 would be nothing less than a cannon to shoot a tiny Meredith into the pilot seat of an octopus brain.

Arrhythmic Banging with Rose and Carlos

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/rpc/arrhythmic-banging-with-rose-and-carlos

There is nothing lamer than reading the back of a musical comedy CD. I hate to say that something is lost in translation, but when your track listing usually consists of things like “Clinton’s At It Again” and “I Said To Go, But She Farted (The Fart Song),” you’d have a better chance of amusing an audience with puppets made to look like dead pets. Arrhythmic Banging seems to be a bit more high brow than this, but, in the case of songs like “Breaking a Tambourine with My Penis”, seeing truly is believing.

Samurai Shadow: A Samurai Ninja Japanese Ghost Tomb Comic

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/929519929/dark-rising-a-samurai-ninja-japanese-ghost-tomb-co

Dear (unsuccessful) Makers of Samurai Shadow: A samurai ninja Japanese ghost tomb comic,

The most important aspect of creating something is deciding on what you’re actually creating. I don’t know what a “samurai ninja Japanese ghost tomb” is, but I can only envision that its stitches haven’t healed and that it’s currently a sick, shrieking mess.

-Daniel

WHO KILLED JOHNNY? A Tragic Euro Trash Comedy

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/whokilledjohnny/who-killed-johnny-a-tragic-euro-trash-comedy

This movie looks absolutely hilarious. What’s that girl shrugging about? Probably something sooooo stupid happened. And that guy with a knife! People don’t use knives like that! And then there’s the dude in a thong holding, the boom mic! He looks so bored! But how could he be bored? This is all so crazy! Here, movie. You can have every cent I own! This is just too insane to miss!