It’s official: Disney has purchased Lucasfilm, transferring the Star Wars IP over from George “I don’t think I’m a very good writer” Lucas, to “I love Mickey Mouse more than any other woman I’ve ever known” Disney. This could get ugly. “But dude, what about Jar Jar Binks?” you ask. “How much worse can it possibly get?” A lot, after all, this is the same studio that released the epic turd known as G-Force, and somehow managed to destroy Taylor Kitsch’s career before it ever even took off. We’re not completely dismissing Disney’s creative potential (The Avengers anyone?) but we’re still wary of their touch, hoping they don’t butcher the recently proposed Star Wars: Episode 7. Here are several ways how they can:
A Dramatic Scene Pimping a Future Theme Park Ride
You’re sitting there watching a sequence unfold that leaves you thinking, “But he’s a Jedi… Why wouldn’t he just force jump instead of using that bungee-type machine to get up?” Because Disney’s one step ahead of you, that’s why. That contrived action scene is actually a viral advertisement chalk full of subliminal messages, designed to send you to Disneyland for your next vacation.
Jack Sparrow Gets Lost and Ends Up in the Star Wars Universe
Johnny Depp is awesome. Johnny Depp parodying himself in “21 Jump Street”? Even more awesome. Jack Sparrow showing up in the middle of a swordfight with a blade not made out of a laser? Probably not as awesome. Ever seen someone stop a bullet with their hand? How about with their face? Hilarity or tragedy, you decide.
An Even Sappier Romance than the One in the Prequel Trilogy
As if having Anakin Skystalker lull us to sleep with his wooden acting while creepily obsessing over Padme wasn’t cringe-worthy enough, now we’ll probably be subjected to more saccharine style romance. Just be glad Disney didn’t have control over the original trilogy. Can you picture a hopelessly love-struck Han Solo fawning over Princess Leia every chance he could get? She’d potentially feel so suffocated, she’d kiss her own brother. Oh wait…
Sci-Fi Plot Elements Don’t Make Sense? No Problem, Magic!
You: “Wait a second, George Lucas never really explained it, but how does a lightsaber project a finite beam of blazing hot light energy? Shouldn’t it extend outwards infinitely, like with a laser? What’s controlling it? Does it have anything to do with the midichlorians?” Disney: “Midi-what? Like hello? Magic! Duh.”
Singing
What do Gaston (Beauty and the Beast), Ursula (Little Mermaid) and Scar (Lion King) all have in common? They all revealed their diabolical plans via melodies. Singing may have worked in those movies, but what about Star Wars? Maybe Disney will see the incongruity in that and scrap the idea… or maybe not. But if they have to have some lyrical expression, will they at least consider having characters rap or sing hip hop before a climactic event? Imagine Palpatine in “Revenge”, decked out in his unwashed robes of celibacy, revealing his intentions for Order 66 by dropping mad freestyle bombs, with Darth Vader emceeing on the side and repeatedly chanting “Nooooooooooooo”.
Dancing
Having a hard time imagining this? You shouldn’t. Just replace the entire cast of “High School Musical” with Wookies, Quarren and, for added hilarity, some Hutts. Kids will clap their hands in joy as their favorite Jedi and Sith take time out of their “I’m going to kill you” schedule to hook elbows and gyrate in sync. Hipsters and older viewers need not fear, because Disney’s got you covered as well with LMFAO style shuffling. Bonus: Using an array of acrobatic force moves, Yoda joins in the action by breakdancing in the middle of the group.
Feel Good Underdog Story
Because it hasn’t been done enough; Disney absolutely loves tales of unknowns rising to glory. Think “Mighty Ducks”, “Invincible” or “The Rookie”—great movies, but translated to Star Wars? Expect to be fed an inspiring and moving monologue from a senior Jedi master as he rallies his younger Jedi, instructing them to show heart prior to the big showdown versus the bigger, badder Sith squad. And predictably, against all odds, they’ll somehow find the strength to succeed on those words alone—because talent and skill are apparently no longer requisites for victory.
Animals
Disney was responsible for the Narnia movies, and with Star Wars being a pro species diverse franchise, it won’t be a matter of if, but how many different new creatures will be introduced. Expect a pivotal scene hinging on the entrance of several cute, furry animals coming in to bail the protagonist out of trouble. Oh yeah, the animals will talk too of course, so you won’t need to drop acid like Walt did when he was creating Fantasia.
Hopes and Dreams
These are two prominent themes in practically every Disney movie. Inspiring at most times, but ask Anakin how far his hopes and dreams took him before he got an arm and both legs blown off. Lesson: Fairies and pixie dust are best left out of a universe revolving around power hungry, matter manipulating, laser sword wielding monks. Who needs dreams when you can rip a starship out of the sky with a mere pull of the hand?
No One Dies. Like Ever.
Imagine interviewing Disney about this.
Interviewer: One of the complaints surrounding your movies is the lack of significance involving your death scenes.
Disney: Why?
Interviewer: Because characters never stay dead.
Disney: We believe everyone deserves a second chance at life.
Interviewer: Yeah bu—
Disney: Take a look at Darth Maul, a fan favorite whose screen time was cut too short. With our team calling the shots, we’re looking into bringing him back for future installments.
Interviewer: With all due respect, even within the realm of Star Wars, a resurrection sounds far-fetched. How is that even possible? The dude got cleaved in half and fell down a bottomless shaft.
Disney: Haven’t you been paying attention? Magic!